I’ve been struggling with whether or not to write a handwritten love note to you or post on the blog. There’s arguments back and forth for both, no doubt. Ultimately though, as I was in my office working on various academic, professional and managerial tasks, a classic song came on, and I found myself overwhelmed as I so often do with loving feelings towards you. So the blog seemed so nice since it’s so immediate and mirroring my love for you, is permanent.
I struggle with my words because I don’t know if any exist that really adequately can describe or capture my ever growing feelings for you, sugar. I’m amazed because my feelings for you grow daily. They say, (and of course we know that THEY say an awful lot of things…) that love, passionate love, is supposed to stop right at the 2 year mark, then it’s not passionate anymore. It’s commitment based. I realize I have no p values or correlations here to back this up beyond my deep thoughts and intuition but I believe they are wrong. I know they are. I love you more passionately now that I think I ever knew I could. Still not as passionate as I will beyond this day, beyond this moment, beyond this breath. You see, I’ve been trying really hard, baby. Really, really hard, to monitor my belly aching. The truth is, I miss you tremendously every day. I wish to the core of my being that things were different. I wish that you were here with me in Raleigh. I wish that more than anything I’ve ever wished and prayed for actually. It’s been hard not seeing you for so long. I’m just a better me when I’m around you. I try not to verbalize every single day the broken record of how much I want you, and how I feel your absence so strongly in the very depths of my soul. It’s a pain I’ve come to learn to deal with. It is a knife plunged to the bottom of my heart that I have learned to walk around with. It’s a heartache that is often times reduced with the medication that is your laughter, your smile, and your selfies. But by no means is it a pain that goes away. It never could, because only your hands are strong enough to remove that blade from my life, sugar. By no means are you forgotten. You are simply where the Lord led you. You are where you are supposed to be. And I think maybe long term this distance is good. Every day, I am reminded of what life is like without you beside me. And I am reminded of what life was like the 33 years before we met. Those simple things that couples take for granted every single day are those major things I pray for with you nightly. I know when we’re together, we have to steal only a few hours before being separated by several months. But even our Lord once had to say, “The hour has not yet come”. Even He had to wait to approach destiny. If Jacob and Rachel can wait 7 years, who am I to complain for a few months? Besides, with what we’ve done with 1,000s of miles between us I can only speculate that the world is needing the necessary time to prepare itself for when we’re actually in the same place. The world will really see something then.
I’m writing this because I want you to know that you’re still my Pretty Lady that you’ve always been for the last 2.5 years. And you are prettier each day to me. Your laughter is food to my soul, while your kiss is breath to my life. I know where I want to be and I know who I want to be with. And it’s you, baby. It’s always been you. On those times when you maybe don’t remember that, I think you’re saying that I need to pause life and simply remind you. There is no experience I have ever had in my past with anyone or any experience I could hope to forge in the future that will ever equate to life with you, baby. Simply put, you’re the one love, one possession, one relationship, one entity in my life that was 100%, solely built by Him and simply… given to me. Placed right in my path. That is all of you. The way you smile and laugh at me when I have no idea what the China cabinet is or what’s inside of it or where it’s supposed to be (Where the hell is the China cabinet??!?). That very way you give attitude to me when you’re angry that makes me want to just… buy pineapples. Your everything is all I want and I’ve ever sought. When you go in your box, I want to paint that box orange. Should you ever walk across the stage for an advanced degree… or as simply as a runway model, I want to be in the stands as the last person you saw before performing and the first person you see when the show is over. If you ever find yourself asking where my heart has been, then baby the answer to that is simple. It’s been where it’s always been— in your loving hands. These days apart are tough. But you’re my best friend. Lover. Confident. And future wife. In a world where I constantly cover up and hide myself, with you, and only ever with you I can be naked, baby. I don’t mean merely physically. That’s easy to do with anyone. But with you, I am naked spiritually, emotionally, mentally, psychologically. I am revealed to the only woman that’s ever known me beyond what I present. You see me, even before I do. So everything that is in you I need. I want. I want it. But I need it to breath.
I love you deeply, baby. I love you so much and just in case you need to hear it more and more, I want you to know it. I love you. The Lord is closer to us than our next breath. But even before wanting my next breath, I still would place being with you 2nd, and breathing 3rd, my Queen. And as I seek each breath, with that same determination I seek you. So if you ever forget how much I love you, just ask yourself, if I forgot to breath that day, baby.
I love you so much baby.